Killer herd stampedes grandma
Grandma got run over by a reindeer! It was a sad and tragic scene in the woods of Milford as 59 year old Sally Cratchit, vacationing in New Hampshire with her brother Bob Cratchit and nephew Tiny Tim of London, England, was trampled by a herd of reindeer while snow shoeing at a local resort. Witnesses say the visiting Cratchits disregarded warnings reserving the path they were on for motorized vehicles only. Locals familiar with the terrain said once the reindeer get up a head of steam, those on the trail need to be able to outrun them. People on snowmobiles can get away, people on snowshoes can’t. Bob and Tim, fortunately being near the edge of the trail, were able to jump behind trees bordering the path. Sally, being in the middle of the road, was too suddenly overcome to make it to safety. Upon learning of the tragedy, Santa Claus issued a statement condemning the rampaging reindeer and said he will shun animals from the New Hampshire herd for a generation.
Inn keeper arrested…
The owners of the inn with the manger in Bethlehem where Jesus was born have been arrested by government officials and cited with endangering the life of a child. The charges were leveled after the announcement of the Christ Child’s birth was made by the angels of God. A spokesman for King Herod said the innkeepers should have referred Joseph and Mary to the local hospital to be properly cared for instead of allowing them to stay at the inn where they might give birth. The inn keepers were charged with knowingly endangering the welfare of a child by sheltering the pregnant woman and her husband who had nowhere else to go.
News from our own backyard continues after this.
Magi: Not so wise, arrested for immigration, intent to distribute.
Immigration issues are at the fore this Christmas time as three traveling magi were arrested on their way to Bethlehem. Coming from origins in the Far East, Persian officials arrested Gaspar, Balthasar, and Melchior who claimed to be following a newly seen star in the Northern skies. They claimed the star marked the birth of a great king and they were traveling to pay homage and convey gifts. Officials confiscated undisclosed amounts of gold, frankincense and myrrh with an estimated street value of a whole lot of dough. Officials say charges for intent to distribute the substances, in addition to violating immigration laws, were likely.
Heat Miser: Files suit
In big news, The Heat Miser has filed an anti-trust law suit against his brother, the Snow Miser, Jack Frost and the Winter Warlock.
Snow Miser: Unfair Deep Freeze?
Claiming the trio has illegally conspired to manipulate Earth’s climate and deprive him of a level playing field, Heat Miser stated that the Earth’s average temperature hasn’t increased in nearly twenty years and that recent Winters have been unusually cold and full of snow packed storms. He said there’s more ice at the planet’s polls than there has been in decades, with record refreezing rates.
Winter Warlock: Cold Conspirator?
Heat Miser also alleged slander saying the frozen freaks, his term, not mine, have intentionally spread disinformation about global warming and climate change to chill free speech and tighten their icy grip on the economy.
Frost, speaking for the troubled trio, said Heat Miser was simply full of hot air. He argued that they’ve been fighting back and forth since the beginning of time and that Heat Miser is using the courts to stave off the inevitable.
Frost: Chilling Heat Miser’s hot air!
Frost said Mother Nature will be the final arbiter of whether or not the planet warmed or cooled and said Heat Miser can sue all he wants, they have no intention of backing off and will let the ice form where it may.
That’s news from our own backyard, Girard at Large hour ___ is next!
