12-25-2013 News

Good morning everyone.  It’s Christmas morning and we have no idea what the weather is outside because this broadcast was recorded on Monday.

We bring you news from the North Poll as Santa Clause has successfully fended off a bid by the International Association of Toy Makers to unionize his workshop.  Agitators within the elfin workforce claimed that Clause was taking advantage of their unique status to demand ever more time in the workshop that couldn’t possibly be offset by the master toymaker’s continued provision of free food, room, board, clothing and healthcare.  Clause noted for hundreds of years, the terms of employment have remained the same, with him absorbing the ever increasing cost of food, fuel and healthcare.  He vigorously disputed that the elves were being tasked with doing more and more work, too.  Clause pointed to the population explosion among the elves he said was attributable to their quality of life and general sense of happiness and well being.  He said it was all he could do to keep up with the growing demand to provide for the captive workforce and argued that their increasing numbers allowed for the expansion of his toy making factories without out increasing the number of hours.  In the end, the elves shot down the unionization bid by a better than two to one margin.

The Heat Miser has filed federal racketeering and climate rigging charges against Jack Frost, the Winter Warlock and his brother Snow Miser claiming the three are conspiring to unfairly stop Global Warming.   In the suit, Heat Miser claims that the three acted in concert to put a stop to the alleged warming of the planet, depriving him unfairly of significant territorial expansion opportunities.  The three countered that the data on global warming was bogus and that the pendulum has swung between warming and cooling for millennia (that’s millions of years for those of you in Suncook) and that the Heat Miser is blaming them for precedent established by Mother Nature, whom they announced they will call as a witness in their defense.  Attorney’s for Frosty the Snowman announced they will file a Friend of the Court brief arguing that Frosty and snowmen have seen their fortunes rise and fall with the warming and cooling trends over the millennia and have taken it like men.

News from our own backyard continues after this.

The Burger Meister Meister Burger will attend a summit with Manchester Mayor Ted Gatsas to discuss economic development.  Meister Burger has struggled with toy makers in his town and he’s looking for a place to relocate them so his town can be free from all that comes with having them I their backyard.  Gatsas, ever eager to develop the city’s economy, has agreed to meet with Meister Burger to learn what facilities are needed by the toy makers.  In light of the closing of several area grocery stores and other retail outlets, Gatsas said bring the potentially problematic production of toys within the city’s limits seemed to have more pros than cons but that the details would have to be worked out before he brokered any deal.  Aldermanic Board Chairman Dan O’Neil expressed his displeasure with the Gatsas saying the Board of Aldermen should authorize the negotiation before the mayor comes to any agreements.  Gatsas resisted the suggestion saying that if the city needs to take any action, he’ll bring it to the board.  Otherwise, Gatsas said there’s nothing to discuss.

Hooksett School Board member John Lyscars has announced he will leave the board effectively immediately to take a position as Trainer ‘N’ Chief of Santa Clause’s Charitable Elf Division.  Lyscars came to The Jolly Old Elf’s attention while being pelted with snowballs last weekend in front of a local grocery store to raise funds for the Salvation Army.  Clause said the elves in his charitable division needed to be less restrained in pursuit of charity on behalf of the needy.  He also stated that Lyscars could give his entire elfin contingent dressing lessons, noting his chic costume.  “It’s rare I see someone his age look that good in tights” said Clause, who also marveled at Lyscars ability to get hit in the head with a gavel and keep going.  Lyscars will be headed North immediately following the New Year.  He says he’ll still commute to Londonderry High to drop his son off at school.

Grinch Enterprises has announced a replacement for the aging Who from Whoville who can no longer dispatch with his duties.  Manchester Alderman at-Large Joe Kelly Levasseur has been chosen by a special committee of Grinch purists based on his performance trying to steal Peanut Park from the Manchester Dog Park Association.  The Grinch selection committee also admired Levasseur’s ability to create complete chaos and distract people’s attention from the things that matter to any governing body and the body politic.  Given the first Grinch’s inability to steal the meaning of Christmas along with the presents, Grinch Enterprises is hopeful Levasseur will succeed where other’s failed.  Following the announcement, citizens, led by Mayor Ted Gatsas and Police Chief David Mara joined hands, encircled the city and sang “Wa Hoo Yah Hoo” thanking Grinch Enterprises for the Christmas Day gift they gave them and the city of Manchester!

That’s news from our own backyard, Girard at Large hour ___ is straight ahead/

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